Last night's insomnia had me pondering some big unanswered questions.

What the hell is in the Queen's purse? Has she ever been photographed without it? Did she carry it down the aisle on her wedding day? Does she hold it when she sleeps?

Admittedly I don't have a vast knowledge of the history of the monarchy. Helen Mirren's portrayal of the Queen and the Sex Pistols' feelings about her are about as deep as I go. (And God save the Queen, for she clearly IS a human being. Having written this nonsense, I have been made aware that her majesty hasn't been feeling well as of late. I didn't intend for my ponderings to be ghoulish or prophetic of some future tragedy. I wish the Queen all the best.)

I've read that the Queen is "thrifty" and eats out of Tupperware, which I like. The image of her sitting on a throne, spooning yesterday's shepherd's pie into her mouth while watching Love Connection on the Game Show channel is one I quite enjoy. "We'll be back in two and two."

She doesn't pay taxes and draws a nice paycheck, so does she carry a roll in that little black handbag?

Does she secretly vape?

Is her purse filled with unidentifiable, 60-year-old, broken British hard candy?

Are there keys to Buckingham Palace that she needs to carry with her on the odd occasion she gets locked out after a night spent raging at Wembley?

Does she carry ID? Does she own any punch cards for a local sandwich shop?

She probably doesn't need spare change as I've never seen her gilded carriage need the use of a parking meter.

When visiting New York City, does she send a hand maiden to Canal Street to buy a Gucci knock-off?

Does she shower with it? Cover it in a plastic CVS shopping bag?

Does Prince Philip hold it for her when she's digging through crates of used vinyl at a swap meet?

She digs her Corgis, so maybe it's stuffed with Greenies or some English version of dog treats. Does she then also carry poop bags? She seems like a responsible pet owner so she wouldn't want to leave their remains of the day scattered about the palace.

If you're one of the most photographed people in the world and you are never seen without your purse, I can't be the only one who needs to know what she's got stuffed in there. She is clutching it like whatever is in there, she doesn't want anyone else to know. This might drive me crazy.

I'll let this go for now but if you have any ideas of what she might have stashed in there please share.

Another quick question I have…

When your singing voice is as identifiable as Robert Plant's is, are you selective about when you whip out the "Immigrant Song"-style vocal when, say, singing "Happy Birthday" to a relative? "Happy Birthday" being a song that everyone picks a different starting note and then massacres.

Does Bob sit around a dining-room table at a low-key family gathering with an uncle blowing out candles and suddenly whip his shirt off, grab a broom handle and falsetto the sh*t out of that moth*rf*cker?

I really need to know.

Resources

The Royal Family - official site

Robert Plant - official site