The Rock and Roll Sorting Hat
by John Moe
June 08, 2016
The Golden State Warriors of the NBA won 73 games this season, the most in league history. At times, the team seems legitimately magical, like the players are casting spells and using sorcery to sink all those long three-pointers and close out a victory just when they need to. Like if Harry Potter was in the NBA instead of playing that awful Quidditch thing. And if he was real.
Part of the strength of the team is how diverse the players are, not just in skills but in temperament as well. In fact, if the Warriors had gone to Hogwarts Academy with Harry Potter, there would be a variety of living groups or "houses" into which they would be sorted. Two-time league MVP Steph Curry would be in Gryffindor, Potter's house, which values the sort of bravery and nerve for which Curry is famous. His teammate Klay Thompson, on the other hand, would be a Ravenclaw: more cerebral, more pensive. Draymond Green is Slytherin all the way: full of ambition and cunning and not afraid to, as Green did, kick an opponent in the groin. Andrew Bogut and Harrison Barnes, the other starters, would be in Hufflepuff because they're nice fellows who stay out of the way.
It got me thinking about those four houses and how a traditional band lineup has four members — vocals, guitar, bass and drums. Could the Hogwarts model be applied to bands? Let's start where everyone starts, with The Beatles.
Paul is a Gryffindor. He's the good-guy hero, the protagonist, gets a lot of the credit.
John is a Slytherin. John was up to things. Some turned out great, some were "The Ballad of John and Yoko".
George is a Ravenclaw. Introspective and studious.
Ringo is a Hufflepuff. Because of course Ringo is a Hufflepuff.
I started trying this on other bands. A lot of the four-member bands worked pretty well.
Led Zeppelin
Plant - Gryffindor
Page - Slytherin
Jones - Ravenclaw
Bonham - Hufflepuff
The Who
Daltrey - Gryffindor
Townshend - Slytherin
Entwistle - Ravenclaw
Moon - Hufflepuff
Kenney Jones is a Muggle, of course.
Van Halen
David Lee Roth - Gryffindor
Eddie Van Halen - Slytherin
Alex Van Halen - Slytherin because that's the house his brother is in
Michael Anthony - Hufflepuff
(Hagar, Cherone - Muggles)
R.E.M.
Stipe - Ravenclaw
Buck - Slytherin
Mills - Gryffindor
Berry - Hufflepuff
In cases where a four-piece had distinctive public personalities, the sorting was pretty easy. Where the personalities were less clear, it was more difficult. I can't imagine too many people know enough about Larry Mullen, Jr., of U2 or John Deacon of Queen to really place them.
Sorting three-member bands was a lot easier because you have more options.
Nirvana
Kurt - Slytherin
Krist - Hufflepuff
Dave - Gryffindor
Destiny's Child
Beyonce - Gryffindor
Kelly Rowland - Slytherin
All the other ones - Hufflepuff
Sleater-Kinney
Brownstein - Gryffindor
Tucker - Ravenclaw
Weiss - Hufflepuff
I'm sure someone could do Rush, but I'm simply not that prog.
Two-piece bands? Easier still.
Simon & Garfunkel
Simon - Slytherin
Garfunkel - Ravenclaw
Tegan & Sara
Tegan - Gryffindor
Sara - Gryffindor (it usually works that way with siblings)
The White Stripes
Jack - Slytherin
Meg - Hufflepuff
It's when you get to the five-piece bands that everything falls apart.
Rolling Stones
Mick - Slytherin
Keith - Slytherin
I guess you could put Brian Jones or Charlie Watts in Ravenclaw but I'd submit that Bill Wyman is likely a Muggle and not magic at all.
AC/DC
Angus is obviously a Slytherin but then it gets pretty shaky. What do you do with Cliff Williams?
The Eagles
Joe Walsh is a Hufflepuff but Frey and Henley could be put almost anywhere. And then there's Timothy B. Schmit, causing sorting troubles just like Cliff Williams. Bass players!
So there you have it. We've learned three simple facts:
1. The smaller the band, the easier they are to sort into Hogwarts houses.
2. J.K. Rowling really knows a lot more about rock history than we expected.
3. My house assignments are absolutely correct and there's no need to argue with me or tell me I'm wrong.
John Moe is heard every Wednesday on Oake & Riley in the Morning, commenting on the latest Internet trends. He also co-hosts the podcast Conversation Parade (with Open Mike Eagle) on the Infinite Guest network, and is an author of a number of books, including The Deleted Emails of Hilary Clinton: A Parody and Dear Luke, We Need To Talk, Darth: And Other Pop Culture Correspondences.