John Moe: What Kind Of Band Would Your Pets Sound Like?
by John Moe
September 07, 2016
My family has two dogs. Dave is a small eight-year-old terrieresque mutt who is generally meek, although prone to inexplicable outbursts of anger. He doesn't enjoy treats and does not like dog toys or bones. He is complex, neurotic and cerebral. Sally is a year-old black lab with a bit of pointer. She has endless happy energy, loves playing fetch, adores Dave despite being given no reason by him to do so, and is the opposite of Dave in almost every way. She sometimes sits on him for fun.
If they were to start bands, Dave's would sound like Radiohead. Sally's would be more like The Archies. Possibly O-Town. Not that they COULD start bands, mind you, seeing as they are dogs.
But what if common house pets could start bands? What would those bands sound like? I'm glad you asked, because I have a college degree and have written several books unrelated to this topic and am an expert on this topic.
Of course, we need to accept certain things for this thought exercise:
The pets have a consciousness and intelligence relatively similar to humans.
They have developed opposable thumbs such that they can play instruments.
They can speak and sing.
They will be forming bands with like members of their classification. Of course, inter-species bands could exist — I'm no bigot — but for now, we'll stick to a very narrow taxonomy.
Small dogs — Think noise and nerves. This would be a loud and very self-conscious band, almost like a thrash-emo hybrid. I'm tempted to go toward speed-metal here, but I doubt small dogs would really have the heft for it or have the stomach for the often gory imagery or be able to sing in that lower register. Nah, let's lean in on the emo side and remember the fact that small dogs are cute and people like them. The small dog band is upbeat pop with a neurotic undertone. Closest Human Band Equivalent: Paramore.
Large dogs — You'd know what you were getting with this band. They would be playful, yes, and also strong and even fierce if need be, but above it all, they would be friendly, delivering a consistent output of rock music that you want to wrestle around in the yard with. The large-dog band would also have to be careful playing live shows because if a Frisbee gets thrown around the audience, chaos would erupt. Coming up with a human equivalent is tricky. The Who? Nah, Pete's too eclectic and moody. Metallica? Too humorless. Dave Matthews Band? Lacks teeth. Closest Human Band Equivalent: Foo Fighters.
Medium dogs — Closest Human Band Equivalent: I don't know, Bon Jovi?
Young cats — Young cats and old cats are two different species. Everyone knows that. The young ones are a lot of fun but always seem like they would want to kill everything around them if they just weren't so small and fluffy and adorable. They play hard and they play wild, so it stands to reason that they would play their instruments in the same way. Yep, punk rock. But I think a pop-punk kind of sound with hooks as sharp as a young cat's claws. Closest Human Band Equivalent: Green Day.
Old cats — Old cats could barely be bothered to form a band because it might interfere with their food being brought to them and could make them late for their nap. Old cats have seen it all and they're not particularly impressed by you. Old cats believe in the old ways: loud instruments, verses and choruses, and not trying to impress anyone by doing anything cute. Old cats will play in the band but it's going to be on their own terms. Closest Human Band Equivalent: Dinosaur Jr.
Fish — We'll go ahead and dump goldfish and all the tropicals in together here, since I'm not about to allow, say, tetras to form their own band. Whatever sound they formed would have to be aquatic out of necessity, so it's not likely to be some power-pop, three-minute job. Instead, think more of an ambient trip-hop feel. Atonal, softened edges, electronic unless that causes some underwater power surge that kills the whole band instantly. There may be a theremin. And it'll be weird music because fish are weird. I mean, look at them. Weirdos. Closest Human Band Equivalent. Aphex Twin.
Hamsters — Hamsters are two things: cute and death-prone. Owning a hamster is like, "Aw look, he's running on his wheel! Aw look, he's chewing on a carrot that's as big as he is! Aw look, he's stiff and dead in his cage for NO GOOD REASON." Their music, played on preciously wee little instruments bought from the tiniest Guitar Center ever, would be very much of the moment, since the moment is all that they have. They would play catchy songs that you don't think are all that good, but you can't get them out of your head. You appreciate the hamster band while it's recording, but you know it's a short discography. Their human equivalent wouldn't be a band visited by death, just one that was adorable and then gone. Closest Human Band Equivalent: 98 Degrees. Runner up: Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship/Starship.
Parrots — Pretty much the opposite of hamsters in that they live forever and aren't so much cute as horrifying demon dinosaurs shabbily hiding beneath feathers. For the most part, birds kept as pets are either unable to fly or not allowed to, which would result in a lot of angst in the band's songwriting. And while I can't really judge how good, say, a parrot bass player would be (mediocre at best), I do know that a parrot singer doesn't exactly have the pipes of Adele and would be more of a frontbird than a vocalist. So, a dark band that seemingly never dies and has a bad singer as its singer. Closest Human Band Equivalent: Black Sabbath.
Guinea pigs — Are they an animal or a very intriguing small hairy log? They sometimes purr, they often whistle incomprehensibly loud, but otherwise they could be mistaken for a pair of slippers. In short, guinea pigs are eclectic geniuses unconcerned with your previous preconceptions of what a pet is supposed to be. The guinea pig band would be the same. As with the animal itself, you'd have to spend some time really soaking in the music to appreciate it. Given a guinea pig's propensity for staying inside plastic igloos, a band made up of guinea pigs probably wouldn't tour much. Closest Human Band Equivalent: Belle and Sebastian.
Now bear in mind that I am not saying these bands will form or that the pets in question will rapidly evolve human traits that make such musical collaborations possible. I'm not working on a top-secret government project or anything. Never mind, forget I said anything about a top-secret government project. But animal bands are at least fun to imagine the next time you're at Petco.