A matter of taste -- or place? John Moe imagines two music festivals
by John Moe
June 22, 2016
If you're a big fan of music, wristbands, portable toilets, and smells, summer is a great time to take in a music festival: A ton of bands, all in one place, you can soak in your favorites (and dangerous amounts of UV rays) and discover new artists as well. But even the most diehard music fan can't go to every festival. You have to choose, based on time, money, transportation, artists being offered, and other factors.
But suppose the decision came down to something simpler: bands named after geographical locations versus bands named after food. Suppose you were offered free passes to either Geographest or Gastropalooza. Which would you choose? I'm here to help you make that decision.
First, some ground rules on how the booking was decided:
The band or artist must be listed on Wikipedia in the present tense. Bread will not be in attendance.
Having a name that happens to evoke geography or food is not sufficient; it must be a chosen name. So Kanye West is ineligible as is Chuck Berry. Did you know Taco's real name is Taco? It is.
Geographical locales can be broad but must be specific. Sorry, Best Coast. You need to narrow it down, Frank Ocean.
No beverages or flavorings. Food only. Ice-T and Iron & Wine are both disqualified.
Spices will be permitted since they can be granular solids. Welcome aboard, Salt-N-Pepa. It kills me to leave Oran "Juice" Jones out, but rules are rules.
Gastropalooza bands have to take their names from things that are primarily thought of as foods, not just things one might be able to eat. A smashed pumpkin is one for carving, not eating, so Smashing Pumpkins did not get the call.
Let's break down the lineups according to Headliners, Second Tier and Third Tier, and see which theoretical — but very good idea for a — festival you'd rather attend.
Geographest Headliners:
Alabama Shakes - Eligible for this festival only, because shakes are a beverage (see ground rules above)
Boston - Still together!
Sleater-Kinney - Aha! Named after a freeway exit north of Olympia where the band had a practice space.
Nice eclectic blend of headliners there. Get the boomer classic-rock crowd in there with a couple of acts that have cross-generation appeal.
Geographest Second Tier:
Kansas - Just like the state, the band Kansas keeps plugging along, although most people rarely think about it
Asia
Phoenix
Of Montreal
Fountains of Wayne - Wayne, New Jersey!
Florida-Georgia Line
Alabama
America
Calexico
Miami Sound Machine
So, yeah, I hope you're feeling nostalgic when you go to Geographest, and I hope you don't have anything against country. Some stuff for the modern music fan. Kinda.
Geographest Third Tier:
Georgia Satellites
Europe - we all love "Final Countdown," but where do you go from there?
Beirut
The E Street Band - Just the band, no Springsteen — more of an experimental thing.
Berlin
Portugal, The Man
Nazareth
Cypress Hill
Manfred Mann's Earth Band
Sugar Hill Gang - You know what song they're going to play? "Rapper's Delight."
Hip-hop is sorely underrepresented at Geographest, but the promoter has to work with what's available. If only there was a place called Wu-Tang or Quest or Kast. And as for Georgia Satellites, they're playing at like 1:30 in the afternoon for 20 minutes, so it'll be fine.
Gastropalooza Headliners:
Pearl Jam - allegedly named after Eddie Vedder's great grandmother Pearl's peyote-infused jam. If this story proved apocryphal, the band would be escorted from the fairgrounds immediately.
Eminem
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Well, that's just a good lineup right there. The promoter was pretty torn in regard to Smashing Pumpkins since pumpkins can be used for eating or carving. The gerund "Smashing," however, indicates acts against carved pumpkins so Mr. Corgan and crew were not contacted.
Gastropalooza Second Tier:
Cake
Cracker
Sugar
Meatloaf
Meat Puppets
Archers of Loaf - Bumped up to second tier just so a supergroup called Archers of Meatloaf Puppets could be formed.
Black Eyed Peas - Just not a headliner anymore. Sorry, Fergie.
Salt-N-Pepa - I always feel bad for Salt. I mean, I know what they're going for with the name, but one of them gets to be Pepa — great name — while the other is stuck being Salt. "Hi, I'm Salt," she has to say.
Korn
The Cranberries
Sugarcubes
This is a solid lineup and a solid menu as well. You've got sweets, proteins, vegetables, fruits, puppets, everything you would need.
Gastropalooza Third Tier:
Bowling for Soup - Soup is a liquid but is still a food. It's the exception that proves the rule.
Vanilla Fudge - They've been together since 1966. 50 years!
The Sea and Cake
The Apples in Stereo
The Lemonheads
Peaches & Herb - Not just a duo but kind of a recipe when you think about it.
Bananarama - They took their name, in part, from the old kids' TV show The Banana Splits. Does that demystify Bananarama for you? Was Bananarama ever mystified for you?
Martha and the Muffins - Get a little Canadian New Wave in here and honor muffins, which everyone loves.
The star value really does taper off here, so Gastropalooza attendees needn't rush to get to the event all that early.
Musical tastes vary, as do geographical and culinary ones. In the end, I would choose Geographest even though I like more of the acts at Gastropalooza. And that's because when I see all those foods together, it's hard to concentrate on music instead of barfing. Soup and fudge and chili peppers and meatloaf are fine separately but put together they make me think of a horrifying salad or stew. Meanwhile, all those locales from Geographest make me yearn to travel yet know that my travel bug can be satisfied at one large festival.
What about you?
John Moe is heard every Wednesday on Oake & Riley in the Morning, commenting on the latest Internet trends. He also co-hosts the podcast Conversation Parade (with Open Mike Eagle) on the Infinite Guest network, and is an author of a number of books, including The Deleted Emails of Hilary Clinton: A Parody and Dear Luke, We Need To Talk, Darth: And Other Pop Culture Correspondences.