With Valentine's Day this weekend, there's perhaps no better time to talk about relationships, and keeping our relationships healthy, with our partners and family.

Tai Mendenhall is an associate professor at the University of Minnesota's College of Education and Human Development. In addition to being a medical family therapist, Dr. Mendenhall teaches classes related to intimate relationships, and couple and marriage therapy.

Every Wednesday morning at 8:30 CST, Jill Riley connects with experts and local personalities for some real talk about keeping our minds and bodies healthy — from staying safe in the music scene, to exercising during a pandemic, to voting and civic engagement. Looking for more resources and support? Visit our friends at Call to Mind, MPR's initiative to foster new conversations about mental health.

Jill Riley: Heading into Valentine's Day weekend, and I've been kind of thinking about, you know, my own relationship and own marriage. And I guess, during a global pandemic, I often wonder, gosh, am I neglecting my partner too much with the day to day? I wonder, Dr. Mendenhall, what are some ways in which couples and families are particularly struggling right now, especially with the global pandemic?

Tai Mendenhall: Humans are complex creatures. And we know in a lot of our work that we are, you know, biological, psychological, social, spiritual, in a lot of different ways on our own. And as it relates to relationships, if we land somewhere in the middle of that continuum, we are struggling. We know, for example, that relationships with any two people are healthier when we're together. And when we're a little bit separate, we don't want to be a whole bunch of one or the other. You know, it's kind of like that metaphor of one plus one equals two.

When we didn't have the pandemic, I think some of that was easier. You know, we went to work, we had some time that was separate, we had our commute, as we went back and forth, we had, you know, our time with friends, you know, that was maybe like the guys' night out, for example, with your old friends, and then you came back to your family. And it was easier to balance, being together as a couple, but then also having some of your own space individually. And now, here we are, if we are blessed enough to continue to have our work, many of us are working from home. Space, psychologically and physically, between our couplehood or our families and our work lives are not there anymore. They're in the same space. And so it's getting fuzzier. It's harder to do one plus one equals two. Now, it's like, one plus one equals one.

That is tough, because we're all over each other's selves and our routines and our our time, and we don't have a lot of really what we used to take for granted anymore. And the ability or the capacity to do that balancing act with our complex selves — again, humans are complex creatures — is difficult. And so what we oftentimes do is we just completely enmesh with each other, and that's not good. Or we live like strangers or roommates in the same house, because we're struggling with our own demons, our own depression, anxiety, irritability, and oftentimes, if we're not careful, can take it out on each other. Then we can't go anywhere. And so it's harder. It's harder to do that balancing act between being together and being separate when we have to be together 24/7.

I hear you on that. What's the old saying? "Time apart makes time together more special"?

Well, I think it does. Yeah. And of course, that varies, obviously, by couple. It varies by different cultures and faiths, on how much together versus how much separate, but you always have to have a little bit of both. And when it's all of one or all of the other, it really doesn't matter who you are. It can start to wear you down over time.

What are some tips for getting along with our loved ones, with our partners, with our spouses in stressful times?

I think that if we roll with the metaphor of you know, one plus one equals two, that it's good to have some kind of balance between our togetherness and our separateness. We know for example, that couples that compartmentalize work and compartmentalize time together, do better. So when I am at work, I am at work and you know what, I'm going to bust my hump at work and I'm going to give work all of my energy and all of my time. And so I'm not going to be checking Facebook, I'm not going to be checking social media. I'm not going to be calling back and forth with my partner because I'm at work and I'm going to work hard. And then when I come home, I'm at home and I'm not checking e-mail. I'm not looking at my phone in the middle of dinner. I'm not on the couch with my wife at night, distracted by things that are separate from us and our relationship.

When we compartmentalize that, instead of kind of having our heads at home when we're at work, or having our heads at work when we're at home, we do better at both, we do better at our work. And we generally have better relationships because we're present in them. And I think that if you're living at home together, if you're working at home together now, if you're juggling what a lot of couples are up to right now with e-learning with their kids, or, you know, now the living room has been converted into somebody's office or whatever. It's harder, but you still have to compartmentalize. You get up in the morning, you have breakfast together, you say I love you, see you at lunch or see you tonight. And you compartmentalize and you go to work, even if it's in the next room, and you work hard and you don't go and do the laundry in the middle of that. You don't, you know, stop and ask each other about you know, something to get at the grocery store later. And then at lunch, if you're going to have lunch together, you stop and you go have lunch and you talk to each other and you don't check your e-mail all throughout that time. And you go back to work. And then at night you leave work at work. And now this is your time for dinner together with each other, with your family. This is your time to, you know, sit and watch Netflix or relax with each other or talk about each other's days. And you're there.

You know, I'll tell you, I've worked with, even before the pandemic, I've worked with a lot of couples that were absolutely in the tank because they couldn't compartmentalize their work in their home. One partner is sitting there on the couch going, "Where are you? You're in your phone. If I actually texted you, I'd get more of your attention, because that's where it is, it's in your phone." That'll wear couples out. And I think that now is is really a more important time than ever to, if you're going to be at work, be there. And if you're going to be at home, be there — but don't do both at the same time.

You know, I have been to therapy. I'll just throw it out and say it because I like the idea of normalizing therapy. I think it's great to, if you've got a problem, to get out there and try to find the solution. I think, for me personally, working on myself, that idea has come easier than working on, you know, maybe those external things with my partner. And I wonder, when do couples decide, okay, we gotta go talk to somebody about
this?

As a couple. If as you guys talk, and connect and communicate all the time, instead of just when there's a problem, I think that it's going to be easier to navigate that path. And really that decision, if or as it comes to be that going to see a therapist makes sense for you. When it becomes a problem is that when we get stuck in kind of the stigma of mental health, you know, that we don't want to talk about it or, you know, we forget that our brain is just as physical as our pancreas or our heart...if we have diabetes, we'll take insulin and not feel bad about it. But if we have, you know, low serotonin in our brain, we have to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, somehow will our brain to do that. And it's important to seek help. And as couples communicate all the time, you know, what's going well, you know, how are we doing this? How are we navigating this? What do we need to figure out? Where are we getting stopped? Are we at an impasse? You know that I love you, you mean the world to me, and I want us to work, I'm not going anywhere. But let's figure out how we can get unstuck.

Having a third person, having a therapist walk alongside you not to take sides, but to help facilitate maybe communicating in a different way, picking up different tools, doing different things, helps you guys as a couple to navigate something in a different way. You can't keep fighting in the same way and expect a different outcome.

Valentine's Day is coming up this weekend. And maybe, you know, couples could take that as an opportunity to maybe try to reconnect in some kind of meaningful way. What are some ways that can make it special?

You know, during the pandemic, Valentine's Day is an opportunity to reclaim courtship. I mean, honestly, that's, that's what I would say it is. You know, most couples if you ask them how they they met, you know, early, it was so exciting and and we were, you know, surprising each other with little Post-It notes under their book or, you know, surprise carpet picnics at home or, you know, we got dressed up on a date! Now we're kind of in these routines, everything's the same. You know, the only time we say "I love you" is when we're saying goodbye on the phone and it doesn't mean anything. And you can have a couple that's married 10 years or 50 years and all of sudden they wake up one morning and one partner is finding little Post-It notes everywhere. You know, "I love you. You mean the world to me. You're so beautiful." Why not? You know, why do we only do that during the first six months that we know each other? I don't think we ever should stop saying that and doing that kind of stuff, and I think Valentine's Day is a real fun opportunity to do it.

I would say, too, if you go to, I don't know, Amazon or Barnes and Noble or whatever, and just Google around, I mean, there's like these books of questions, you know, questions for couples. I have one of those. They are so fun. And they're awesome for a couple that's, you know, just getting to know each other, but I recommend them to all couples because, what are your first memories? You know, when did you learn how to ride a bike? You know, what was your favorite pet's first name? Who is your favorite teacher? It can be such a romantic date on Valentine's Day or anytime to just kind of hang out in the living room with each other and go through these books.

Oh, that's some great advice. I love that. Just that phrase, reclaim courtship. I've never heard anyone say that before. And I just made a note to myself: "Write husband note saying nice butt," and I'll leave it on the the mirror. Maybe this weekend.

I love it.