It's autumn! That special time of year when we bundle up in sweaters and watch nature decay in spectacular fashion as it awaits the icy death of winter. Autumn is a time for football, yes, and holidays, sure, but most importantly it's a time for hayrides and apple picking.

Hayrides and apple picking are activities that certainly sound fun but can also end up being excruciating, depending on who you're with. It's like parades or picnics — could go either way. And it makes you wonder how certain famous bands would do in those circumstances.

I've ranked 20 of the bands pulled from The Current's list of essential albums based on how enjoyable they would be to go on a hayride and apple picking trip with. The rule is that you would be joined by that band as they were on the day they released their most essential album and not in the present day. Solo artists are excluded, since going on a hayride with just, say, Bob Dylan, would kind of go against the group activity vibe that is ideal.

Here then, my rankings.

20. Radiohead (OK Computer, 1997) - Ugh. The world's most indoor band has been thinking a lot about technology and reading lots of Chomsky at the time you whisked them away for a day of outdoor October fun. They refuse to wear the autumnal flannel shirts you bought them, and the Nerf football you throw merely bounces off Thom, not to be collected.

19. Fleetwood Mac (Rumours, 1979) - Whatever the opposite of a wonderful time is, this is it. The band is addled by affairs, breakups, and the best cocaine in Los Angeles. Lots of tensions you can't even understand. Lindsey climbs a tree and weeps. Mick never leaves the hayride at all. Stevie dances with shawls in the orchard but even that doesn't help.

18. Pixies (Doolittle, 1989) - I don't know, man. Black Francis and crew just made a record all about environmental disaster, surrealist horror, and suicide. Maybe they'll be relieved to put on sweaters and pluck some fruit or maybe they'll bum everyone out. It's a risk. Good luck. Might want to bring a book.

17. Pink Floyd (Dark Side of the Moon, 1973) - Hard to imagine this being a good time as the band comes off recording an album about madness in the wake of Syd Barrett's decline. Lot of awkward silences and standing around smoking instead of picking apples. "Is Roger okay?" "Yeah, he's just like that."

16. Nirvana (Nevermind, 1991) - Dave and Krist are fun and friendly. They enjoy the afternoon in a sincere way. Kurt's more complicated: he has a better sense of humor than you expect and it's fun to laugh at how corny it all is. But the sarcasm wears thin over a long day and you don't know what "corporate apples" even are. You feel bad for wanting those apples.

15. Guns N' Roses (Appetite For Destruction, 1987) - We know from that one video that Axl can put a piece of straw in his mouth, but just about everything else in this scenario seems to hint that a booze-fueled fistfight and maybe a heroin overdose in the tall grass could be in the offing. "More like APPLEtite for Destruction!" you joke, and it's not that your joke wasn't funny, it's just that no one was listening. Duff might have been listening a little.

14. The Beatles (Abbey Road, 1970) - This isn't the moptop Liverpudlian lads. This is a group full of strife, LSD, and sitars. Paul's optimism is all that allows them to rank as high as they do. Yoko shows up, which actually helps, because John would be even more of a baby otherwise. Still, it's not where anyone, except maybe Ringo, wants to be.

13. Wilco (Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, 2001) - Look, they're nice Midwestern guys, so they understand the mission here, but this comes at a time when they lost their record deal, Jeff has migraines, and Jay Bennett is being kicked out of the band. Schmilco-era Wilco would be more fun, but they're not being offered. Everyone's very good at picking the apples but it feels more like work than fun.

12. Beach Boys (Pet Sounds, 1966) - This will be a pretty good time if you don't think about it too much. All the Boys are polite and can pull off "wholesome" for a while. Maybe there's even a chance you can get Mike Love to be a nicer guy and thus alter history. But Brian is pretty fragile in this period so you'll want to make sure the ride is nice and slow and maybe someone helps him with the apples.

11. Led Zeppelin (IV, 1971) - Given the band's new propensity for 8-minute songs, this is an okay excursion that runs way too long. It gets to be, like, seven o'clock but they're not slowing down. A little bit of '60sd magic means the band might think they spot Hobbits in the underbrush or bustles in the hedgerow and that makes it more fun. Just don't ask Jimmy what "Zoso" means. He hates that.

10. The Velvet Underground (The Velvet Underground & Nico, 1967) - The very definition of a fish-out-of-water experience yields hilarity for everyone but the band. It'd be like taking The Smiths surfing. The Velvets only pick 10 apples but each of those apples go on to start an orchard.

9. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band (Born to Run, 1975) - See, this isn't really a hayride, it's just a party. There are 10 full-time members of this band and they're all from Jersey and it's the '70s, so things might get loud and weird. It might be fun, could be rowdy, definitely won't be pastoral. You try to talk to Bruce but he just talks your ear off about some people he knew back home. You hang with Clarence instead. It's fine.

8. The Replacements (Let It Be, 1984) - The hayride is late. When it shows up, Paul and Bob are just laughing in the back. The horse is actually a camel. Paul and Bob won't say how they got a camel. Chris gallops by on the horse. A representative from the zoo is calling the hayride's main office. No one knows where Tommy is. (This entry written by @RandballsStu.)

7. Pearl Jam (Ten, 1991) - They're young, they're shaggy, they're from Washington State so they should know their way around apples, and they already have a lot of flannel shirts! Pearl Jam is an outstanding choice for your autumn romp. They drink up all your beer but it's cheap beer so it's all good. Eddie invites Chris Cornell along, which is fine, but just Chris from that band, okay, Ed?

6. U2 - The Joshua Tree (The Joshua Tree, 1987) - Here you get U2 at a time in their life where they're in love with America and thus thrilled to come along. Bono's constant chatter about social causes and the blues wears a bit thin, the enthusiasm is ultimately charming and the other fellows are pretty chill. After, they invite you back to make an apple crisp and drink whiskey. Yeah, they're always going to be better friends with each other than with you but that's okay. Bono's enormous wide-brimmed hat was an accidental yet perfect choice.

5. Weezer (Blue Album, 1994) - Nerdy Los Angeles rocker boys out for a hayride? Sure! Apple picking? Delightful! Just on the cusp of fame, these guys would love a day in the country to relax.

4. The Rolling Stones (Exile on Main St., 1972) - There is zero percent chance that the band shows up sober and a sub-zero percent chance they stay that way. Keith brings a variety of Keith-style refreshments and Mick sneaks off with for a private party with the lady applying insecticides. You all might get arrested by the end of the afternoon. A really fun day.

3. The Clash (London Calling, 1979) - A very collegial period in the band's life make for good company and their fascination with Americana should smooth over the cultural bumps. An impromptu football match in the orchard is just the thing to stretch out the legs! Joe and Mick mostly get along. n

2. Beastie Boys (Paul's Boutique, 1989) - So you have three brash New York rappers who would likely be getting into some trouble. You'd have to hope for two things: they invite you to join in and you all don't get kicked out of the orchard. Very few apples picked but a good time had by all.

1. Prince & The Revolution (Purple Rain, 1984) - Wendy and Lisa, Dr. Fink in his scrubs, Prince himself, they're all getting on the wagon on a crisp Saturday afternoon and picking a big basket of Braeburns and Honeycrisps (then purifying the apples in the waters of the sink). Lots of making out on the hayride but in a gentle, almost innocent way. Prince has a surprisingly deep knowledge of botany but seems almost shy about sharing it. You all pick apples but Prince's are the best ones even though no one remembers seeing him pick them. Later, you go back to the studio and Prince makes a new guitar out of some of the apples. It sounds great and then Prince gives it to you. But then he asks for it back so what can you do, you give it to him, and he lights it on fire and no one seems surprised. Morris Day, Steve Guttenberg, Sheila E, Joe Montana, and Ed McMahon all stop by and Prince puts them in matching jumpsuits and suddenly they're a band and you're in the band and you perform a song about the apple orchard. It's a beautiful song and soon you're making a video of it. Then Prince burns the master tapes and erases the video. A submarine surfaces in a pool you hadn't noticed before. Then you dance for a very long time. It's late Wednesday afternoon by the time you get home.

John Moe is heard every Wednesday on Oake & Riley in the Morning, commenting on the latest Internet trends. He also co-hosts the podcast Conversation Parade (with Open Mike Eagle) on the Infinite Guest network, and is an author of a number of books, including The Deleted Emails of Hilary Clinton: A Parody and Dear Luke, We Need To Talk, Darth: And Other Pop Culture Correspondences.

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